when i go towards you it is with my whole life.
![]() | You came to the side of the bed and sat staring at me. Then you kissed me—I felt hot wax on my forehead. I wanted it to leave a mark: that’s how I knew I loved you. Because I wanted to be burned, stamped, to have something in the end— I drew the gown over my head; a red flush covered my face and shoulders. It will run its course, the course of fire, setting a cold coin on the forehead, between the eyes. You lay beside me; your hand moved over my face as though you had felt it also- you must have known, then, how I wanted you. We will always know that, you and I. The proof will be my body. — louise glück |


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The immediacy of her answer should by rights render it flimsy. But in that small space drawn between them, she is so painfully earnest. Brisk, yes, but achingly sincere as if it were a thing she had put in her mind a long time ago and subsequently come to memorize it.
She'd said it before, hadn't she? That they need only be honest with one another.
"Thank you," is not as simple a thing as it sounds. She is certain of what a promise means to him.
"Now," she says, her hand which is still at his cheek shifting faintly to touch the edge of his sun-drying curls. "You have my permission to kiss me how you like."
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What has he done right in this life to be deserving of her, of this trust she bestows on him so decisively?
She must be expecting to be drawn back down to him then, rather than studied for a moment. Ellis does think of it, as his thumb runs along the back of her hand. But instead, he kisses the heel of her palm, then the inside of her wrist, before releasing her hand.
All the little obstacles are left in place, minor safeguards as a check against the sweeping permission he's been granted. He reaches up to put his fingers back into her hair and encourage her back to him, close enough that he only need lean up a short distance to kiss her.
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How narrowly he misses further interrogation.
She instead obliges the gentle set of his hand, swayed down in easy range to be kissed. It's such a steady thing. Unhurried. She can taste the bite of the raspberry jam of the edge of the wine on her own breath maybe. And for a moment it feels very serious, like something is being placed in her hands to be responsible for, but then the severity of that very thought and how absurd it is makes the line of her mouth twitch toward a barely restrained smile.
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As you like still feels like the sort of offering that comes with limitations, and he can be nothing but attentive for the moment when they reach those limits. His hold on her is so carefully light, even when his fingers nudge in beneath the pins holding damp hair in place to draw her impossibly. She tastes sweet. Her mouth is very soft under his.
There's no urgency in the way they move together. It's easy with her. When Ellis breaks, it's with a soft, jagged inhale. He's left himself no real space to tip away, having urged her so closely to him, and the trappings of the picnic keep him in place. All he can do is stay there, nose bumping against hers, gathering himself.
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Then with a swift, punctuating kiss, Wysteria straightens up and away from his mouth and his fingers in her hair and even his hand in hers.
"Stay there as you are if you would, Mister Ellis," is closer to an order than a request, however politely worded. She tucks a series of loose strands of gold-blonde hair behind her ears. With the same sort of thoroughness she'd unfolded everything, Wysteria begins to refold the waxed paper and napkins and so on about their various picnic paraphernalia and shifting them prudently off him.
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But he settles at her urging, eyebrows raising in silent question as she packs up the food, seals the jars. His hand falls back to her knee as the other lifts, plucks at the saddlebag behind his head, offering without an excess of movement.
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Her glance is his direction is sidelong. A little sly, but only just—as if the moment she slings it in his direction, she wonders if it would be better to have treated the thing seriously.
And then the last of the cheese is displaced.
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"I didn't mind."
There's an element of humor in his tone, looking up at her. Of course Ellis didn't mind a tangible check on his movement. It's not so different than the way he proceeds at any other moment. The motion of his thumb continues, back and forth along her kneecap. Ellis keeps his place, limbs still sprawled loosely across the clover.
"Wysteria," might have been the prelude to some question, meant to be followed by What now? But Ellis stalls there, voice infused with such fondness.
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"Yes?"
Her eyes go a little wide after, eyebrows rising in a blatant display of faux guilelessness. She can play dumb too, Ellis.
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"You're very beautiful," is certainly not the intended response. But he says it anyway, because it feels as if he should say it more. She looks so pleased with herself, some element of expectation in her innocent expression, and Ellis finds himself with nothing else to offer her but that bit of truth while he works his way around to more actionable offerings.
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Despite the scolding, it's clear that she's pleased to hear it for a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth strong enough to briefly flash her teeth, and there is something warm (equal parts fond and embarrassed) which lights up in her face. She pokes him between the ribs. Stop that.
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"I've lost time to make up for."
Not that anything had ever been stopping him, it had just—
There were things that had been too revealing to say before. There are things that are too revealing still, though the weight of them feels less impossible now than they had then.
"Will you come down here?" is phrased so politely, a counterpoint to the restless grip of his hand at her knee.
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"Very well," she says, haughty so as to mask all her affection. "But don't think by asking that you have distracted me from noting your weakness."
Warden Ellis, sensitive having his sides tickled. It is good to have a secret weapon.
She shifts - not to lean down to him again, but to draw her legs out from under herself. That knee unbends under his hand. When she moves to join him, it is by stretching out on her side alongside him supported by elbows and forearms so as to be flush against his side but not over him. Not really, save perhaps by the height afforded from being propped slightly up where he is reliant entirely on the saddlebag for elevation.
Here she is meant to ask stubbornly Well not that I'm here, what did you wish to tell me? or something very like it. Something coy or clever or funny. Did you know, Mister Ellis, that this is all highly inappropriate?, or It is a good thing you thought to bring me a change of clothes; it is very hard to sit back up once you'd lain down in stays. But here she is and though the thought is there, the words fail to materialize. Instead, smiling, she regards him for a moment in that close up space and when she does speak it's to say with all her affection:
"I think you're very beautiful too. The wrinkle there, between your eyebrows. That one is my favorite for it tells when you're thinking very hard about something and I have used it often to overwhelm you."
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"I see," is very solemn but for the stubborn curve of a smile that doesn't quite leave his face. "You've found out all my weaknesses, it seems."
That displaced hand has returned to lift her fingers, run his thumb along her palm. He thinks to draw her in close. He thinks to put his hand back in her hair. He thinks to do nothing, because she is already tucked in neatly against him and having her this near is satisfying on its own.
"It's a good thing you're so kind to me, or I'd have cause to worry."
A teasing lilt drawn over a kind of truth. As he speaks, he trades his hold on her hand to reach up to her face, tuck back a few stray wisps of hair before they can become a nuisance to her.
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This she ribs right back with, neither deterred or softened by the sentiment in how he tends to her flyaway hair.
"Why, I can think of a half dozen ways I might torment you in this very moment."
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Beside him, Wysteria shifts up a little higher on her elbows in anticipation of some recitation of ills she has until this point courteously held back.
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Then his hand returns to fold both over his belly. He closes his eyes, turning his head up towards the sky, as if to ward against the possibility of a single peek.
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"For example, I think I should ask you for a list of your favorite things. Colors and your favorite book and seasons and what is your favorite place in Kirkwall and so on. This of course is to slowly acquaint you with the concept of giving your opinion on things. And then, once your guard was sufficiently down, I would ask after your ambitions and what you would like to do once the war is over or for you to tell me some story of thing you are most proud of doing."
She doesn't watch his face as she speaks. Instead, she allows herself to shift a little beside him, her attention drifting to his folded hands. Eventually, she moves to touch them, fingertips idly wandering along his wrist and the back of his topmost hand.
"Or I would ask after more or your scars, or that you would tell me what the mark on your chest is and where you acquired it, or attempt to satisfy any number of curiosities. Or I might make some very poor attempts to compliment and see how long you could bear it before you argued. Or—"
There is dirt under her fingernails from touching the pond's bottom. She notices it for the first time as she lightly traces the shape of his hands.
"Or I might only lay here and needle you with the facts that we are alone and I can think of nothing at all that might cause me to be frightened of you."
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His hands move before he speaks, palm turning up under her fingers.
"So I should count myself very lucky that you're so merciful," Ellis tells her quietly, looking back to her in the same moment his eyes open to focus back on her face. Maybe she's not asking him now, but she will ask all of those things eventually. He understands that, even if he hasn't yet decided exactly what he'll do when, or if she does.
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She lifts her eyes from the shape of his hands then and looks at him. Searching out, perhaps, that studious wrinkle.
"I hope I haven't overwhelmed you too much by revealing it."
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And that is seemingly all he has to say. His hand remains relaxed under the sweep of her fingers, eyes intent on her expression. When he moves, it's a slow upward arch, their hands undisturbed as Ellis leans up, kisses her very softly rather than try to condense what's in his head into a coherent statement.
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(His kiss is so soft. The tenderness of it makes her heart ache in her chest.)
"Ellis—" is a tentative thing against his mouth. Like a question, but not. She forces herself to say the thing she's thinking. "I said you might kiss me how you liked because I wanted you to."
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A handful of questions come to mind, a muddled mix of queries that Ellis sets aside. I wanted you to holds a different weight than the rest. It nudges up against conversations they've had before, the caution embedded in everything Ellis does. He doesn't think she is asking in objection to the way he's kissing her.
"I know," is more prompt than answer, seeking what's behind her reminder as his fingers close overs hers.
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She recognizes, belatedly, some anxious racing of her heart. The feeling of foolishness suddenly gripping her, because what is she implying? A delayed flush creeps up her neck for it and when she shifts, it's toward withdrawing her hand and in the direction of pushing herself upright.
"Good. I'm pleased you do."
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put a bow on this y/n
Yyy
coolcool yell your wishes at me for a new thing into discord and i will grant them