Also he feels truly panicky at the question. While he's entertained the idea of offering some explanations to them, this minor brush with the opportunity to do so has him reconsidering. ]
[But what? She feels as if she's moving through molasses; her head hurts, and her eyes and swollen, and—]
But your— But you— [opened mouth becomes closed mouth, then opens again:] Do you mean to say that you have not been pining for my undivided attentions since before Satinalia?
[It's not really a question. Rather, it is like an invocation - maybe if she says it at the exact right strangled pitch, the ground will open up beneath her and she will slip neatly from his arms into the pit provided for her, never to be seen or heard from again. Imagine! A moment ago she'd almost been frightened of disappearing from Thedas forever, and now it suddenly seems like the most lovely thing a person could do.
She is saving the necklace. To melt down the chain for its metal, but that's beside the point. The point is:]
Then why on earth have you been spending so much time with us if it wasn't an expression of your steadfast and quiet devotion? You don't even like the science; I have seen the green look you get whenever one of us gets too close to a demon, or when I set that fire in the house's cellar. Which I maintain was barely a fire and more of a flash. Mr. Ellis, [he doesn't have lapels, but if he did she might be holding him by them now] you have carried all my things without complaint for six months.
[A labored look here and there, sure, but that barely counts.]
[ The look Ellis gives her is utterly wretched. The truth is unavoidable. It scorches, impossible to ignore. It's what had driven him to speak with Alistair Theirin, had pushed him to the outright madness of speaking aloud secrets he knows a Warden should keep to themself. The urge to simply fling himself out a window rather than admit aloud what has become increasingly impossible to avoid is high, but he grasps Wysteria's hands in his own instead, heedless of what may or may not be snot in the mix. ]
Because I am devoted to you, [ He tells her, expression akin to a dying star. He says it as if he's wronged her. ] I have been devoted to you and Tony for some time now.
[ Maybe this is a different kind of steadfast devotion than Wysteria had been describing. Ellis doesn't see much variation. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Tacked on helplessly, and very uselessly. What good is an apology if Wysteria has no idea of just how much he is apologizing for? ]
[Once as a very little girl she'd played a game with her grandfather as the pair of them sat on the stone estate wall. The game went like this: he would point out different animals - the geese on the lake, the deer grazing in the meadow, the game master's old terrier marching like a regimented foot soldier in his master's shadow -, and she would name them all the wrong things until he laughed. That's a fish, and those are horses, and there is the stable yard cat. What do you mean you can't see them?
This feels something like that, where the words are all in order but have been applied to a thing they don't belong to. She hasn't been crying quite hard enough not to miss all his desperate unhappiness.
(Or maybe the trick is that she's just miserable enough herself to actually recognize it.)]
I don't understand.
[Which feels so objectively helpless, exposed there in the corridor, that she can feel her eyes starting to go hot with tears again.]
[ Of course she doesn't. It's not her fault, coming at this with only a fraction of the necessary information. There's going to be a right time to have that conversation. But this isn't the right time, not on the heels of all her hurt and now the muddle of trying to dispel the notion that he'd been waiting for months on end to try and marry her in. ]
I know. And I'm sorry for that too.
[ Though the impending threat of more tears is a strong motivator to do...something. Ellis certainly doesn't know what. ]
I don't care very much for science, but I care for you and Tony. Does that make sense?
[ Every time he says it aloud, he's more and more aware of how stupid he's been.
But then, what did he actually expect? He came here because he was so utterly miserable over being on his own. Just crossing into Kirkwall had been tempting fate. ]
[Does that make sense? It isn't really so difficult a concept. So, all right. He cares for Mr. Stark and for her, and he doesn't have to want to court anyone to worry, to care, to want to be in their company. After all, she'd rather slowly transform into an old gray haired spinster than marry him but it isn't as if she doesn't care. She might have said something earlier if she didn't.
So then why make it so complicated? Why pretend it isn't just that straightforward?
Wysteria searches his face, her hands tight in his. Finally:]
It's really not so serious, Mr. Ellis. You don't have to be angry at Mr. Stark just because I am.
[ It has to be only human to be wrong-footed by that response. Ellis blinks at her before he decides to take this very gracious gift and accept the abrupt change in subject to one that makes him feel less like he's collapsing in on himself like a dying star. ]
I don't like that he upset you.
[ The words of a man who doesn't fully grasp what's at stake here. ]
[She sharpens, that ribbon of fury flashing in the set of her brow. Not angry at Ellis, just angry.]
I'm sure if he knew, he would think I was being perfectly unreasonable. And if he was at all sorry, it would only be because he'd been caught.
[Her hands abruptly part from his. She wipes her eyes. She scrubs her cheeks with her sleeve.]
I won't have it. In fact, I would prefer we never discuss it again. The best way of getting even [she says, and it sounds like she is quoting the spirit of something if not the letter] is simply to do well.
There is nothing at all to make up, Mr. Ellis. I'm perfectly fine - disappointed, [she insists, smoothing her skirts now] but certainly not hurt.
[She strictly does not look around to see who might be looking, to see who may have seen. It's all fine. Instead she gives him a very fixed smile that she means to be very natural.]
See, all is well. There is no need to be concerned. All our associations can continue on as if perfectly normal.
[ As in Ellis doesn't believe this at all, but is unwilling to argue the point further when they're barely a few minutes out from Wysteria crying. He reaches to squeeze her elbow, hopefully in a reassuring manner. ]
Will you let me walk some of the way back with you?
[Where is she going? She doesn't know. She makes it up.]
Then you may go with me as far as the slip. I have some business for Base Operations to see to in Kirkwall this afternoon, but I refuse to take you any farther from your duties. [In the library? Sure.] And only if you promise that we will talk about something pleasant on the way.
[ Which luckily has a high chance of just being Wysteria talking and Ellis listening, but that's fine. It's fine most days, and it's especially welcome now.
He offers her his arm. Possibly a thing polite humans do?? Easy enough to decline if it isn't a comfort. ]
[It is. A comfort. And for a split second her face starts to crumple over it, the line of her mouth growing strained and desperate from the sick sense of loneliness that rises in her like nausea. And then she has schooled her expression again, because that is ridiculous and she has no reason whatsoever to still be upset and they will never discuss this and nothing will change and it will be fine because she knows better. She is determined to remember it this time.
So she links her arm in his, and if she grips him very tightly to her side then it's because she doesn't know her own strength and it has nothing to do with wanting to keep him next to her. You will be a more pleasant person, she had sworn to herself when they'd all returned to the Gallows and found Riftwatch in the process of burying them. That way the next time you interrupt your own funeral, someone will look for you first out of everyone else.
If they are only friends, she can take his arm and ask him questions and not feel as if she is lying to him with her interest. And he need not worry at all about being forced to think about who between herself and Mr. Stark he likes best.]
In that case, let us begin by telling me what you were doing in the library. Were you looking for someone?
[ He has a lingering suspicion that she's still unsteady, though he doesn't see any value in calling attention to it. Her voice is light when she questions him, and they've steered towards less fraught topics, so the walk will at least be less anxiety-inducing for him and hopefully a good distraction for her.
The scholars are likely very relieved or very disappointed to see them go. Ellis doesn't let himself look around to take stock. ]
No.
[ Though sometimes he cannot help but look for Mhavos, who has not returned and perhaps never shall. But Ellis glances around for him regardless before making any selections. ]
I finished the last book I'd borrowed, and needed to trade it for another so I'd have something to read after my shifts on watch.
[ It occurs to him that it's not such an exciting explanation, but oh well. ]
[It is not in the least bit exciting. But she finds for the moment that is perfectly acceptable. It makes it much easier to pretend she doesn't care who is watching them as they make their way from the corridor, or how red her face must be. Look at them. They are perfectly fine.]
Oh? I had no idea you were such a voracious reader, Mr. Ellis. You must tell me what sorts of books you like best. I might be able to recommend a few of my favorites, and then we could discuss them when we make our way out to study new rifts and so on. A small club, as it were.
[ Ellis shoots a suspicious look at her. This does not seem fine. But he does acquiesce, cautiously nodding. ]
I would like to read your favorites. [ No commitment one way or another on the club. ] Archivist Dalat had left me some suggestions before his departure, but I've read almost all of them by now.
[Actually that will be better. It is closer to the Seneschal's office than to the ferry slip, and she can pretend to find something there which requires her immediate attention.]
Ah, yes I am. There is a requisitions list I need to fetch from my little desk there. I can write down a selection of titles as well.
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says her face and how far she is leaning back, relying almost entirely on Ellis's grip on her to stay upright.]
What?
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Also he feels truly panicky at the question. While he's entertained the idea of offering some explanations to them, this minor brush with the opportunity to do so has him reconsidering. ]
Aye?
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[But what? She feels as if she's moving through molasses; her head hurts, and her eyes and swollen, and—]
But your— But you— [opened mouth becomes closed mouth, then opens again:] Do you mean to say that you have not been pining for my undivided attentions since before Satinalia?
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Did someone tell you that?
[ Please let there be someone he can shift the blame to. ]
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[And a shield, but that had seemed rather less romantic at the time. And oh gods, he had meant it platonically.]
Oh no.
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You like those things. I thought you would be bored with a shield on it's own.
[ :grimacing: ]
What do you mean, oh no?
[ Suddenly very concerned about who expects what of him in this scenario. ]
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[It's not really a question. Rather, it is like an invocation - maybe if she says it at the exact right strangled pitch, the ground will open up beneath her and she will slip neatly from his arms into the pit provided for her, never to be seen or heard from again. Imagine! A moment ago she'd almost been frightened of disappearing from Thedas forever, and now it suddenly seems like the most lovely thing a person could do.
She is saving the necklace. To melt down the chain for its metal, but that's beside the point. The point is:]
Then why on earth have you been spending so much time with us if it wasn't an expression of your steadfast and quiet devotion? You don't even like the science; I have seen the green look you get whenever one of us gets too close to a demon, or when I set that fire in the house's cellar. Which I maintain was barely a fire and more of a flash. Mr. Ellis, [he doesn't have lapels, but if he did she might be holding him by them now] you have carried all my things without complaint for six months.
[A labored look here and there, sure, but that barely counts.]
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Because I am devoted to you, [ He tells her, expression akin to a dying star. He says it as if he's wronged her. ] I have been devoted to you and Tony for some time now.
[ Maybe this is a different kind of steadfast devotion than Wysteria had been describing. Ellis doesn't see much variation. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Tacked on helplessly, and very uselessly. What good is an apology if Wysteria has no idea of just how much he is apologizing for? ]
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This feels something like that, where the words are all in order but have been applied to a thing they don't belong to. She hasn't been crying quite hard enough not to miss all his desperate unhappiness.
(Or maybe the trick is that she's just miserable enough herself to actually recognize it.)]
I don't understand.
[Which feels so objectively helpless, exposed there in the corridor, that she can feel her eyes starting to go hot with tears again.]
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I know. And I'm sorry for that too.
[ Though the impending threat of more tears is a strong motivator to do...something. Ellis certainly doesn't know what. ]
I don't care very much for science, but I care for you and Tony. Does that make sense?
[ Every time he says it aloud, he's more and more aware of how stupid he's been.
But then, what did he actually expect? He came here because he was so utterly miserable over being on his own. Just crossing into Kirkwall had been tempting fate. ]
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So then why make it so complicated? Why pretend it isn't just that straightforward?
Wysteria searches his face, her hands tight in his. Finally:]
It's really not so serious, Mr. Ellis. You don't have to be angry at Mr. Stark just because I am.
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I don't like that he upset you.
[ The words of a man who doesn't fully grasp what's at stake here. ]
I'm sure if he knew, he would apologize.
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I'm sure if he knew, he would think I was being perfectly unreasonable. And if he was at all sorry, it would only be because he'd been caught.
[Her hands abruptly part from his. She wipes her eyes. She scrubs her cheeks with her sleeve.]
I won't have it. In fact, I would prefer we never discuss it again. The best way of getting even [she says, and it sounds like she is quoting the spirit of something if not the letter] is simply to do well.
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Is this something that requires revenge instead of an apology?
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It is a matter of professional integrity, Mr. Ellis.
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[ Don't tear this marriage apart Wysteria!!! ]
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[She strictly does not look around to see who might be looking, to see who may have seen. It's all fine. Instead she gives him a very fixed smile that she means to be very natural.]
See, all is well. There is no need to be concerned. All our associations can continue on as if perfectly normal.
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We'll see.
[ As in Ellis doesn't believe this at all, but is unwilling to argue the point further when they're barely a few minutes out from Wysteria crying. He reaches to squeeze her elbow, hopefully in a reassuring manner. ]
Will you let me walk some of the way back with you?
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Then you may go with me as far as the slip. I have some business for Base Operations to see to in Kirkwall this afternoon, but I refuse to take you any farther from your duties. [In the library? Sure.] And only if you promise that we will talk about something pleasant on the way.
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[ Which luckily has a high chance of just being Wysteria talking and Ellis listening, but that's fine. It's fine most days, and it's especially welcome now.
He offers her his arm. Possibly a thing polite humans do?? Easy enough to decline if it isn't a comfort. ]
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So she links her arm in his, and if she grips him very tightly to her side then it's because she doesn't know her own strength and it has nothing to do with wanting to keep him next to her. You will be a more pleasant person, she had sworn to herself when they'd all returned to the Gallows and found Riftwatch in the process of burying them. That way the next time you interrupt your own funeral, someone will look for you first out of everyone else.
If they are only friends, she can take his arm and ask him questions and not feel as if she is lying to him with her interest. And he need not worry at all about being forced to think about who between herself and Mr. Stark he likes best.]
In that case, let us begin by telling me what you were doing in the library. Were you looking for someone?
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The scholars are likely very relieved or very disappointed to see them go. Ellis doesn't let himself look around to take stock. ]
No.
[ Though sometimes he cannot help but look for Mhavos, who has not returned and perhaps never shall. But Ellis glances around for him regardless before making any selections. ]
I finished the last book I'd borrowed, and needed to trade it for another so I'd have something to read after my shifts on watch.
[ It occurs to him that it's not such an exciting explanation, but oh well. ]
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Oh? I had no idea you were such a voracious reader, Mr. Ellis. You must tell me what sorts of books you like best. I might be able to recommend a few of my favorites, and then we could discuss them when we make our way out to study new rifts and so on. A small club, as it were.
[It's all fine.]
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I would like to read your favorites. [ No commitment one way or another on the club. ] Archivist Dalat had left me some suggestions before his departure, but I've read almost all of them by now.
[ Ellis' tone is carefully neutral. ]
Are you heading to the Seneschal's office?
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Ah, yes I am. There is a requisitions list I need to fetch from my little desk there. I can write down a selection of titles as well.
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